1. Coming Across

    It’s interesting how different mediums bring out different aspects of my personality. In real life, I am known for my humor. I like to invoke laughter in others. On twitter I feel like kind of a snarky smart ass. On facebook I am supportive of others, but rarely open my mouth to speak. 

    Here I am contemplative and emotional. Sometimes I fear that I am kind of depressing. It can feel like one of those harrowing telephone conversations where you hear your own voice echo. In any case, I tend to be of the belief that one should follow their gut in matters like these, so I’m going to try not to over think it.

    Something keeps me coming back though. It’s like I have to keep talking and sharing, hopefully getting closer to my truth. This is an exploration of what’s inside brought out. You are all welcome to come along if you like.


  2. Friends don’t let friends blog on Sundays

    Or something like that. There is the question as a “blogger” of what to share. Do I show you my new haircut, or the hair on my upper back that makes me cringe a little bit when I see it in the mirror? Do I celebrate my wins, or hold a microscope to my losses, or both?

    I tend to follow my nose on this one, going more by gut. I like to pretend nobody reads this blog, but yet I am comforted that you do. Pretending I’m alone helps me share more honestly. It’s like the blog version of the quantum mechanical principle that microscopic particles behave differently when we observe them vs when they are left to do their thing in the dark (that didn’t come out right :P).

    A random thought occurred to me today, as I tried to feel the nature of the sadness that comes up. My whole experience of reality feels the way a freshly picked scab feels when a cold wind blows against it. What is normally unfeeling is now expressed, with a pixelated and raw sharpness.

    So anyway, Sundays have always been difficult for me, and I’m not sure there was a specific source to this phenomenon. Today was kind of a rollercoaster, emotionally. My brain was telling me, “run, hide, be alone. You don’t want to be around others.” But I know my brain well enough to do the opposite when it starts talking like this. I’m so glad I did! I find myself bolstered in ways that I couldn’t have imagined when I connect with others. We impact each other beyond our expectations.


  3. Therapy

    I had my first session with a new therapist tonight. It was definitely time for me, and I feel like I found just the right person! She described her approach as “existential” which resonates with me. 

    There is something special about having a skilled person to talk over anything with. Before the appointment I felt like I would have nothing to say, but then everything just came pouring out. 

    As I left, and biked home, I had a feeling of levity. It feels good to get your life cracked open sometimes. It is a chance for change and transformation.


  4. Back to Therapy

    I started seeing a therapist in 2010. At the time I wasn’t even sure what I needed, I just knew I needed help in straightening things out in my mind. I was unhappily married, and not so happy in general. I remember it feeling like something I couldn’t admit to those around me, except for people I was very close to. There is an unfortunate stigma around therapy — like you only go if you are coocoo or something. 

    My experience was so unequivocally positive that I have not hesitated to discuss therapy with people, suggesting it as a way to help figure things out. Let’s face it, we are all broken in our own unique ways. We are all living under our potential and could use the help of someone that is highly skilled in listening and suggesting ways we can try to improve.

    I stopped seeing my therapist in 2012 when I got really busy with work. Luckily I continue to use many of the techniques I learned from him. However, as I take stock of my life, I think it just may be time to reengage. I am going to look for a new therapist, because the one I was seeing was good, but I kind of felt like we got as far as we were going to go.

    What I feel like I’ve learned and would pass on to you:

    • Therapy is for healthy people as well as those who are going through an extreme mental/emotional condition.
    • I believe everyone can be helped by therapy. Yes even you.
    • There is nothing wrong or shameful about seeing a therapist.

  5. The Balancing Act

    My life can feel like a yo-yo sometimes: going back and forth between excess and renunciation. Sometimes I set my course toward temperance, but then that just seems kind of boring to me — or maybe limiting is the term I’m after.

    Where I’m at right now is I want to experience life as a spectrum. I want to experience times of sober contemplation, but then I want to drink to the point of having a semi-embarrassing story to tell. I want to also have those moments where I am in the middle, juggling everything with equanimity.

    I feel like there is experiential value to every band of this spectrum. Yet one must be careful, because — and I use the example of alcohol because it is one that I do struggle with — drinking a lot one day a week can lead to going back to that same pleasure button night after night.

    I guess my goal is to stay awake. Or at least to keep the option of waking up right there next to me.

  6. Installing patch update…


  7. Haunted House

    I moved back into my house today after being in a rented room since last November. My ex-wife moved out, and now I will stay in the house for as long as it takes to sell it. I feel so spoiled going from sleeping on a cot and storing all of my clothes in luggage to a queen bed and dresser…along with all of the other luxuries that being in your own house provides. 

    But I am surrounded by memories, and I get saddened by the emptiness. The animals are gone too. I took a nap, and I wasn’t accompanied by the entourage of dogs and cats. It’s the phantom limb syndrome, but luckily it’s not overwhelming. It resonates at a low enough frequency that I only tune in when things get quiet.

    There is also a feeling of reclamation, both physically and spiritually. I get to control what stays and what goes, and there is a LOT going to Goodwill. There is no compromise as I contemplate each item: if I want it it stays, if I don’t it’s out. Nobody to check in with, or to get approval from. It was kind of exhilarating! 

    My friend is moving in with me at the end of the week. She has 3 cats. Things will get interesting, and the house will hum back to life. The arrow of time will once again point toward the future, with me running to keep up.


  8. Life (or writing when you didn’t get a lot of sleep)

    The story of our lives are linear, but like the universe, the entropy of the plot increases over time. We can’t cling to any peak and we shouldn’t despair too intensely when we feel stuck in a trough, because, as Bob Dylan says, “Everything passes, everything changes, just do what you think you should do.” 

    I don’t even know what I’m saying, except that I am happy with the mess of my life exactly as it is! I have hard work to do in the short term. Loose ends need tying, the lawn needs mowing, and I need to prepare for the future. But I am so excited with anticipation for my life to unfold into the future. I learned a few secrets that the soldiers of the status quo have worked so hard to protect: that I can make whatever choices I want to with my life, that even if the path I take may be “weird” it is completely legitimate (so long as it is true to me and who I am), and that almost all of the limits and constraints I thought were real were illusions.

  9. The detox diet is still on, but I have had 2 “whoopsies”. I was just getting rebellious against all of the constraints, and it was Friday night, and I ended up drinking some alcohol. Then this morning I had/am having some coffee. These are the yin and yang of my non-food habits. I am not getting hung up on this, because I made a promise to myself before I started. In meditation I so often get carried away from the breath. When I discover I have lost track, I come back to the breath. And the secret is to not beat myself up for losing track, but to accept that sometimes that just happens, and to embrace the next one. So I am carrying that to this detox challenge, and also to anything else in my life. The secret is to come back, to get back on the path.

    I am on day 6 of 21.

    P.S. this coffee is getting my creative juices flowing. I am kind of a well spring of ideas this morning!

    (via unoooo)


  10. Detox day 4/21: A letter from my mom

    Today I officially felt that moment where the new transitions to the normal. The headaches are gone, and I found myself pretty content with the options available to me. I even got the unexpected benefit of feeling more consistently energetic throughout the day. I didn’t really hit a crash point.

    And to top it off I came home to a letter from my mom. She was giving me support for my endeavors, as crazy as they may sound to her!

    The only part that continues to be a challenge is the evenings. Tonight started out strong, but I started to get that familiar unmotivated feeling around 8:30. So it is crash time, folks!