1. Friends don’t let friends blog on Sundays

    Or something like that. There is the question as a “blogger” of what to share. Do I show you my new haircut, or the hair on my upper back that makes me cringe a little bit when I see it in the mirror? Do I celebrate my wins, or hold a microscope to my losses, or both?

    I tend to follow my nose on this one, going more by gut. I like to pretend nobody reads this blog, but yet I am comforted that you do. Pretending I’m alone helps me share more honestly. It’s like the blog version of the quantum mechanical principle that microscopic particles behave differently when we observe them vs when they are left to do their thing in the dark (that didn’t come out right :P).

    A random thought occurred to me today, as I tried to feel the nature of the sadness that comes up. My whole experience of reality feels the way a freshly picked scab feels when a cold wind blows against it. What is normally unfeeling is now expressed, with a pixelated and raw sharpness.

    So anyway, Sundays have always been difficult for me, and I’m not sure there was a specific source to this phenomenon. Today was kind of a rollercoaster, emotionally. My brain was telling me, “run, hide, be alone. You don’t want to be around others.” But I know my brain well enough to do the opposite when it starts talking like this. I’m so glad I did! I find myself bolstered in ways that I couldn’t have imagined when I connect with others. We impact each other beyond our expectations.

     

  2. I’m cooking really slowly tonight — trying to make the path the destination.

    This feels like detox from work and other emotional and mental fragmentation.

    In other news: I got 2 letters today!

     

  3. I was visiting my family in Eugene over the weekend. A heavy fog had descended on Eugene, OR. I saw the sun, but it looked like the moon. 

    We had our family Christmas — a bit late because all of the pieces were moving in late December. But we opened gifts, we ate burritos, and we drank margaritas. It felt nice to have the family together like that. My family knows how to keep focused on the celebration. Nobody, to my knowledge, has ever “ruined Christmas.”

    As the bus pulled into Portland, the fog cleared. I don’t know exactly when it happened. However, there it was, and everything was blue, and bright. I was overwhelmed by a nostalgia deeper than I’ve felt in a long time.

    I got home, made my meal plan, and went grocery shopping. On my bike ride, I felt outside of myself. I was biking, but I was also just looking at the horizon, at the blue sky, and the late afternoon orange glow. I don’t know if it was nostalgia, but it filled me up. It made me feel whole, and broken.

     

  4. I ride up the side of the street, just me as the rain falls down. I cut through the leaves, just hoping to keep traction. I look up into the night sky, and catch the moon in the act of being her beautiful self. It reminds me that I am alone here, pedaling, pushing as I always do. There’s no one right there with me, and I push on and think of the universe instead. I think of the moments out of reach, and the fleeting nature of reality. Yet I persist, I will always persist. I will stop, waiting for the light to turn green. When given permission I am strong off the block, trying most of all for momentum. It’s not so much the destination, but that I worked hard to get there.

     

  5. What’s My Job?

    I was thinking today about what I  should be working on. I thought about writing a song. I thought about doing yard work. I gave thought but I had trouble figuring out what my job is right now. One thing has become clear to me: I am not going to force anything on myself. It should come naturally, like a gut instinct.

    So my work today consisted mostly of those things I have to do: some chores around the house, grocery shopping, and taking care of some things for my work-work. 

    For the rest of my free time I did what I felt like doing, namely reading and relaxing. For me those things are like work, in that I have to focus my intention on them to get them done. 

    The question still nags at the back of my mind, but I’m not anxious about it: what is my job right now? What should I be focusing on when not at my day job? In other words: what is my purpose?

     

  6. Check Up

    I have given thought to my blog here lately, and just sort of shrugged my shoulders. There are times where I feel like I have something to say, and other times where I just want to listen, and hang back.

    Here are some bread crumbs…

    I was planning on calling my parents today, but I worked later than I wanted, and things just go too late.

    Due to work I have had to cancel my last 3 counselor appointments. I either need to find a new one, or just not go. I’m on the fence about this.

    The frog I just have to eat is selling my house and moving forward. This is proving more complicated and aversive than I ever would have imagined. I am getting really tempted to just stop paying, because every dollar I pay is a wasted dollar.

    A fact of life: exes can be very difficult. Think very hard before you marry.

    I have developed a good morning routine, but have been bad lately about getting to bed early enough to fully embrace it.

    I started 3 songs, was feeling gung ho about finishing them, and then completely lost interest in working on them. This will most likely change as my creative sine wave rises again.

     

  7. From Hypocrisy to Humility

    Nobody likes it when people preach one thing and then do another. We call them hypocrites. I’ve felt this way about others before. Maybe they talk about saving the world but then they drive an Escalade or something. I kind of judge those people by default.

    But it isn’t always simple, and I think if you look long enough, and are honest enough with yourself, you notice that you are just as hypocritical as most. At the very least there are parts of your life that are logically inconsistent.

    Take me for instance. I’m a vegan. I do this, in a nutshell, because I don’t want to inflict suffering and control on animals when I can’t ask their permission. But what should I think of myself as I blog about that from an iPhone that was made by a kid in China who probably worked a 16 hour day to build it?

    It’s easy to stop here and go, “fuck, I can’t win. Why even try?” But I think this, in paragraph 4, is where I want to make my point. I personally think the goal is not to be perfect, or perfectly consistent. Well, maybe that’s the goal. But the way of getting there should be one of humility. If someone tells me I am being inconsistent then I should let go of pride and say, “yes, that’s very true!” I just want to strive to be better — to shore up where I can. By being humble and accepting that I can get better, it makes it easier for me to improve.

     

  8. I know you! Oh wait…

    In the past few days there were two separate times where I swore I recognized someone, waved or smiled at them, got an equal and reciprocating response from them, only to realize that in fact I had no idea who they were!

    For some reason this brings about a feeling of embarrassment and shame on my part. Not sure why I take it so hard! I also don’t get why this is happening in a cluster.

     

  9. Life (or writing when you didn’t get a lot of sleep)

    The story of our lives are linear, but like the universe, the entropy of the plot increases over time. We can’t cling to any peak and we shouldn’t despair too intensely when we feel stuck in a trough, because, as Bob Dylan says, “Everything passes, everything changes, just do what you think you should do.” 

    I don’t even know what I’m saying, except that I am happy with the mess of my life exactly as it is! I have hard work to do in the short term. Loose ends need tying, the lawn needs mowing, and I need to prepare for the future. But I am so excited with anticipation for my life to unfold into the future. I learned a few secrets that the soldiers of the status quo have worked so hard to protect: that I can make whatever choices I want to with my life, that even if the path I take may be “weird” it is completely legitimate (so long as it is true to me and who I am), and that almost all of the limits and constraints I thought were real were illusions.

     

  10. One up, One down

    I just had to let my GED tutoring volunteer coordinator know that I wouldn’t be able to make the regular Thursday volunteer slot for the next month or so. Work has officially taken over 66% of my life. That is going to remain the case until mid to late March. Since work is what butters my bread, I have to make some temporary sacrifices on freedom and other life goals.

    On the upside I weighed myself last night using Wii fit and in 2011 I weighed about 210 pounds, but now I am down to 193! Isn’t that crazy? I have lost 10 pounds since the turn of 2012, with the only notable change being biking.