1. Sitting on a park bench, savoring the feeling of arriving ahead of schedule. I’m at peace here, in the diminishing glory of a beautiful day. I’m counting my blessings, both the trivial ones and the more profound. I think about what I’ll say, but then I remind myself that all I need to do is show up and be me. That’s really all I ever need to do. Like most difficult things, it sounds easy.

    When I scan my insides I only find love. As much as I can, I want to try to keep it that way.

     

  2. afternoon coffee soliloquy

    I don’t know why but this afternoon coffee hit me in just the right way. Most days it is bound by the law of diminishing returns, but tonight I just keep rising like some kind of emotional Felix Baumgartner. And before the inevitable happens and gravity pulls me back down I thought I would just open up my brain and share what’s there on the surface.

    I had a therapist appointment scheduled for tonight and I was actually excited for it. She called and had to cancel though, and this is the first time in a long time I’ve actually been disappointed by a cancelled plan or appointment. Usually in every possible scenario cancelling a plan feels good, at least in the moment. But anyway, it is a sign that this is right, that I am falling into my path. I had even taken notes of what was on my mind and reflections of things we talked about in our last meeting. 

    Over this last week I’ve been trying to pay close attention to my changing emotional state. I deal with so much self shame, fear, and the feeling of possibilities collapsing and closing off. It’s all in my mind, and keeping a mindful watch on it is interesting. I try not to intervene, but sometimes I have to step in and break up the fight if it is too senseless and brutal. 

    And when I taste the freedom that is beyond the surface of the swamp it is such a beautiful thing. The sun shines brighter, the air smells fresher, and the universe is infused with a sense of magic.

    In all things, be open — that’s the light I want to keep moving toward.

     

  3. I’m at the edge of a breakthrough of sorts, I can kind of feel it. I realize more and more that I’m walking on the outside of the circle. I’ve rejected a lot of what is considered normal, and I’m learning to feel like that’s A-okay. In fact, I want to drift further, dare myself to go where I need to go. 

    I haven’t figured out exactly what that is, but I have some of the elements.

    My second appointment with my therapist was really, really good. I felt lifted, inspired, and I’m starting to grapple with the places that scare me. Things even took a turn I didn’t expect them too, but it all fits. The questions that are scary, I believe, are the important ones to ask.

     
  4. nbd.

     

  5. Therapy

    I had my first session with a new therapist tonight. It was definitely time for me, and I feel like I found just the right person! She described her approach as “existential” which resonates with me. 

    There is something special about having a skilled person to talk over anything with. Before the appointment I felt like I would have nothing to say, but then everything just came pouring out. 

    As I left, and biked home, I had a feeling of levity. It feels good to get your life cracked open sometimes. It is a chance for change and transformation.

     

  6. I was really on today. It was a Monday, but for some reason my brain decided today would be a good day. I made hay while the sun shone.

    My new therapist is on SE Harrison street. I made it just in time. Except for that Harrison street is 4 miles from where I thought it was, and I was on my bike. I missed this first appointment but she was very nice about the fact. Reschedule, no big deal.

    The magic wand that glowed so bright earlier today sputters tonight, no magic left in it. My offering tonight is reading a book, drinking tea, and going to bed early.  I could do worse than rest.

     

  7. Back to Therapy

    I started seeing a therapist in 2010. At the time I wasn’t even sure what I needed, I just knew I needed help in straightening things out in my mind. I was unhappily married, and not so happy in general. I remember it feeling like something I couldn’t admit to those around me, except for people I was very close to. There is an unfortunate stigma around therapy — like you only go if you are coocoo or something. 

    My experience was so unequivocally positive that I have not hesitated to discuss therapy with people, suggesting it as a way to help figure things out. Let’s face it, we are all broken in our own unique ways. We are all living under our potential and could use the help of someone that is highly skilled in listening and suggesting ways we can try to improve.

    I stopped seeing my therapist in 2012 when I got really busy with work. Luckily I continue to use many of the techniques I learned from him. However, as I take stock of my life, I think it just may be time to reengage. I am going to look for a new therapist, because the one I was seeing was good, but I kind of felt like we got as far as we were going to go.

    What I feel like I’ve learned and would pass on to you:

    • Therapy is for healthy people as well as those who are going through an extreme mental/emotional condition.
    • I believe everyone can be helped by therapy. Yes even you.
    • There is nothing wrong or shameful about seeing a therapist.
     

  8. "I feel good, I feel great, I feel wonderful."
    — Bob Wiley ~ What About Bob