I don’t know why but this afternoon coffee hit me in just the right way. Most days it is bound by the law of diminishing returns, but tonight I just keep rising like some kind of emotional Felix Baumgartner. And before the inevitable happens and gravity pulls me back down I thought I would just open up my brain and share what’s there on the surface.
I had a therapist appointment scheduled for tonight and I was actually excited for it. She called and had to cancel though, and this is the first time in a long time I’ve actually been disappointed by a cancelled plan or appointment. Usually in every possible scenario cancelling a plan feels good, at least in the moment. But anyway, it is a sign that this is right, that I am falling into my path. I had even taken notes of what was on my mind and reflections of things we talked about in our last meeting.
Over this last week I’ve been trying to pay close attention to my changing emotional state. I deal with so much self shame, fear, and the feeling of possibilities collapsing and closing off. It’s all in my mind, and keeping a mindful watch on it is interesting. I try not to intervene, but sometimes I have to step in and break up the fight if it is too senseless and brutal.
And when I taste the freedom that is beyond the surface of the swamp it is such a beautiful thing. The sun shines brighter, the air smells fresher, and the universe is infused with a sense of magic.
In all things, be open — that’s the light I want to keep moving toward.
